The State of My Head

July 17, 2017

The State of My Head

July 17, 2017

The state of my mind: Depression

Life is funny. Not always HAHA funny but, you know, WTF funny. Some years seem to go by relatively smoothly and others wreck havoc on your whole world. Then there are those sneaky years. Nothing major happens outside – but inside there is chaos.

Inside your head that is.

You look like you are just peachy keen but inside your head there is a fire burning and a storm brewing.

Sometimes your brain has to burn shit down in order to build something new. Ya know?

That’s what this year, and maybe the past couple of years if I sit down and think about it, have been like for me. Burn the whole damn thing down so I can start over.

The breast cancer, the kids leaving home in rapid succession, my mom’s bout with leukemia and my husband’s prostate cancer, turning 50 and all of the other stuff that rained down on my head like bricks. I realize that it has taken a long while to process what I went through in 2014 and 2015.

I came out of that whole mess with was a raging battle with depression. A depression that has lasted just about 18 months.

I’ve dealt with depression off and on my whole life. The postpartum stuff was THE WORST and I keep telling myself that if I can get through that I can get through anything.  My doctor asked me if I wanted to hurt myself and I said, “If I weren’t such a coward I might consider it”. But I am. A coward that is. I’m about 99% sure that I’d end up in a hospital bed for another 30 years in a vegetative state. Not dead and not alive. Just Tormented.

I’m sorry. Is that hard for you to read?

It’s hard to write. Hell, it’s hard to think.

You see, my family never discussed mental illness. Though all you have to do is look around at the whole dysfunctional clan and see depression, among other things, runs rampant.

My mom talked about her “nerves” and I thought she was copping out. In some ways she was, but in other ways she was fighting her own depression battle.

When I had a bout of depression as a teenager – which often came out as anger – my father would threaten to send me away. “There are places for girls like you,” he would shout.

Umm. Where? Can I go now?

Mental illness had a stigma.

A Great Aunt had a “breakdown” and I remember several of us visiting her in the hospital but she just sat there, not talking. We never talked about it afterward. I don’t think we talked much about HER for that matter. It was as if it never happened.

No one talked about the things that had happened in our family. Ever. Skeletons securely locked in closets.

I often wonder if we had talked about our family legacy of depression if I might have been more accepting of myself and my limits when I went through hard times in the past?

Maybe. Maybe not. I’m generally pretty hard on myself.

But I do try to talk to my son who suffers now that I’m more aware.

It’s just that the chemicals in my brain don’t do what they are supposed to do.

And who is to blame for that?

No one.

But we can talk about it. Be understanding and caring and gentle with ourselves.

I hope that if you deal with depression that you realize it has nothing to do with YOU but rather a chemical in your brain. You have no control over it. All you can do is fight with all of your might and not listen to that insistent voice in your head that tells you that you aren’t good enough.

You are. Good enough for me. Good enough for your family. Good enough for the people around you who need your understanding when, they too, feel the storm coming.

Batten down the hatches mother fuckers! We’re gonna ride this one out together!

 

Vicki O'Dell

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  • Belinda July 18, 2017 at 4:39 pm

    I love your honesty. I stumbled upon your blog today. Most blogs and such are so pom-poms and roses with glitter. This entry was very true and upfront. Wish depression wasn’t such a taboo. I think if we were more open about it it wouldn’t be so hard to deal with.
    Thank you again for your honesty.

    • Vicki O'Dell July 19, 2017 at 9:50 am

      Hi Belinda,
      I agree. If we talked about it more maybe people would know they were supported and fewer people would die from depression. Glad you found me! 🙂
      xoxo Vicki

  • me July 18, 2017 at 4:40 am

    Thank you for sharing this. Everyone needs to read this because most of us are never told this as children….. “You are. Good enough for me. Good enough for your family. Good enough for the people around you who need your understanding when, they too, feel the storm coming.”

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:23 pm

      That’s right. Good, lovable, deserving. Every one of us.
      xoxo Vicki

  • Pam July 17, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    Thank you so much for continuing to
    share your personal feelings, especially
    on depression. Our family, too, have had mental illnesses including depression, and an aunt and uncle with alcoholism. I’ve been on depression Meds for lots of years and our youngest (daughter) has bipolar (and other often linked illnesses). We do our best to make true best of it all but as you know it’s a constant and for some, like my daughter, never ending. It does help so much to hear from others with similar issues.

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      You know Pam, the truth is that we all have battles. Some fought in public and others in private. Life is full of heartache and struggle but we have to focus on those bright spots of sunlight so that we have the strength to keep on going.
      Let’s keep on fighting!
      Vicki 🙂

      • Pam July 18, 2017 at 4:07 pm

        I’m so thankful that I don’t have to go far to find my bright spots: my family, especially our 6 grand kids, friends and furry pup and grandpups.

  • Carol Dobbins July 17, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    Such a hard topic to talk about. You are showing your courage. Again. Years ago, I found myself in such a low place that I had serious thoughts of why I wanted to continue to live on. I had a good friend and a sister who were able to share with me what they saw and affirm me. My friend suggested SJW and it helped. I think many women experience the hormonal imbalance that leads to depression, but my family has a deep history of depression, too. As I think back – Grandmother, Great Aunt, (or two), Mother, sister (or two) and then my “short” bout. I have been very supportive for a sister who is bipolar and therefore when I had an issue, not only was she very supportive, but when I had my words repeated back to me, they “stuck”. I have been blessed – and lucky to have good support. I know many women are not so lucky. The more we talk about it, hopefully, women will understand that there is no personal blame. Depression is a medical issue – not a moral deficiency.. Thank you for extending the conversation. You are a blessing!!!!!

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:20 pm

      I’m so glad there was someone there for you Carol. I can’t imagine my world without you in it!
      “Depression is a medical issue – not a moral deficiency.” YES! And we will tell anyone who needs to hear those words.
      No more stigma for dealing with depression.
      Love ya bunches!
      Vicki

  • Sylvia July 17, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    Yes!! You go girl! I also struggle and have had the exact same thoughts. It’s uncanny like you read my mind. I am so proud of you for sharing this. I take medication and have also been in therapy consistently for the last 3 years which has helped. It takes time and I’m not sure if I will ever be well but I am learning to deal.

    I wish you and your son the very best!

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:18 pm

      Hey Sylvia,
      I have gone to therapy in the past and it was helpful to get over some big hurdles. I’m not so sure it’s a matter of well or unwell as much as it is just how your brain IS. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than amazing because the chemicals in your brain flow a little differently. You are wonderful!
      xoxo Vicki

  • Ronnie July 17, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Hi Vicki,
    This was a very brave–and poetic post, and I thank you for that! I am of the same generation and I hope for the next one that it is seen as what it is, a medical condition, not a weakness in character. At least we’ve moved beyond the “demonic” explanation! My very best wishes for you as you ride out this storm–we’re with you!

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      Hi Ronnie,
      Oh my gosh, I hadn’t even thought about the whole “possessed” thing. I have to wonder how many were tortured due to such ignorance. I probably really don’t want to know.
      Thanks for being with me. We all need our girlfriends now and then and it’s always good to know we aren’t alone during the hard times.
      Bright Blessings,
      Vicki

  • Anne July 17, 2017 at 10:57 am

    Yep, I was in that deep, dark, nigh on unbearable place for 15 years and told no-one. In the end it was St John’s Wort tablets that very slowly but very surely restored me to normality.

    In the UK alternative medications are not available on prescription from the National Health Service, so sufferers have to buy their own or be impelled to take whatever the big pharmaceutical companies are persuading GPs to prescribe at the time, but on mainland Europe St John’s Wort is the treatment of first resort by GPs with patients suffering from depression. SJW is always worth a try, because even if it doesn’t help everybody it isn’t going to do them any harm.

    My thoughts are with you Vicki.

    • Vicki O'Dell July 18, 2017 at 3:14 pm

      Anne,
      I have tried SJW in the past but it didn’t do much for me that I recall, but that was a long time ago.
      Big pharma is a huge issue here in the states too. I just really wish doctors could practice the way they WANT to instead of always thinking about who funds their paychecks.
      XOXO Vicki

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