New Year, New Beginning, New Direction

Those of you who have been around a while know that the past four years, for me, have been hellacious. My husband got cancer, I got cancer, my mom got cancer. All of the kids left home. ALL FOUR OF THEM! 3 Weddings. Chronic pain. Unbearable side affects of cancer medications. Disappointing jobs. Deep, dark depression.

It was a lot. I failed miserably – on what felt like a daily basis.

In many ways the past several years have been defined by sheer survival, physically as well as emotionally. And while there was some growth and progression that comes with being human, there were no grand plans or big ideas. No “Aha” moments. No spark. No “Ta-Da!”

I just sort of floated along as best I could. I simply have not had the energy or as I like to say, the bandwidth, to deal with anything outside simply getting through the day in the most basic way possible.

There have been days when I whispered to myself, “Just the bare minimum. You can do the bare minimum.” Overwhelm was a feeling I became very familiar with.

I tried to move forward into a new way of being. I really did. I figured that by sheer force of will I would push through. I got new critters to care for, took on a part-time job that I thought might be fulfilling, put in the hours, sweated the sweat, and cried the tears.

But it didn’t work any kind of magic on my heart. 

And then I realized that the only way forward was to STOP.

Stop the craziness. Stop the busyness. 

Start over fresh with a new beginning, new direction, new life.

So I took the bulk of the month of December to just BE. No guilt. No bulldozing my way though the day. No should’a, could’a, or would’a. Do what needs to be done, sit quietly, listen to my heart.

And now, I am in the process of starting fresh. The slate is wiped clean and I’m ready to very slowly, and thoughtfully, move forward.

The key here is the word thoughtfully. It no longer serves me to keep the old routines, expectations, goals, or maintain the status quo. It does not help me to keep my day so full of random busyness that nothing holds any meaning. I will not add something to my routine because someone might expect it of me. I can’t. Not any more.

Living just to please others has been killing me ever so slowly.

I no longer pay heed to what is expected of a woman in her 50’s. I pay heed to what my soul and physical body need.

I do not listen to that voice in my head that tells me there is only one right way to be. Simply because it’s what I was taught. I listen for what FEELS right.

I pay no mind to what the world expects of me. I won’t be a good girl any longer. I shall drink whiskey, use all of the foul language, and eat a piece of cake for breakfast if that is what I want. Furthermore, I’ll not feel one bit bad about it if someone disapproves.

I am no longer putting myself last on a long, long list. I am first. What I need is first.

I’ve given 53 years to other people and things and now I’m doing what my heart and soul really need. And I will build from there.

It is time to set off in a new direction.

More to come…

To receive new posts, as they are published, in your email inbox click here.