I was sitting in my surgeon’s office one day last week for my post-op visit and he was talking on and on about upcoming treatments, options, scenarios and the like and I started crying.
All I could think was, “I don’t want this”.
“I don’t want to do this, I CAN’T do this, and I want no part of it.”
I came home and went to bed and had a good cry. I had a nap and watched a show I’ve been binge watching on Netflix.
I was pretty miserable until he called back later in the afternoon to tell me that none of my lymph nodes had cancer and that he was able to get good margins this time. No more surgery. Hooray!
That made me forget what is still waiting for me enough so that I could celebrate the good news.
That night I had a very vivid dream.
I dreamed of a very brightly colored fish swimming in a stream.
The only thing is that the fish was fighting with all her might to swim UP stream.
She would leap and dodge and push with all her might.
She was working hard and not getting anywhere. She was exhausted and at the end of her strength reserves.
So she did the only thing she could do. She quit.
So she turned around. And went with the flow.
Swimming became so much easier, she could rest a bit while she floated along with the current. She didn’t necessarily want to go in the direction the stream was taking her but she didn’t mind because swimming was so much easier.
Her life got easier.
I woke up and knew that the fish was me.
I’ve been fighting this breast cancer thing. I don’t want it, I don’t want the surgeries, the treatmentsm or the tests. I want no part of it. I’ve made this process very hard on myself. I’m wearing myself (and maybe even some my support system) out.
But here’s the deal.
Cancer is out of my control and for the most part the treatments, tests and surgeries are out of my control too. My surgeon has done what he thinks is best for me. For my health and to ensure that I SURVIVE a while longer.
I’m not going to quit fighting cancer, I’ll NEVER quit fighting it. But I’m going to try my best to quit fighting all of the stuff I really have no control over.
My blog has been quiet because I don’t have a ton of energy for projects. Not much I can do about that. I’ll work on projects and ideas as soon as I am able.
My house isn’t very clean. But hey, it’s not a disaster either.
I don’t like needles. But at this point in time I can’t avoid them. I keep telling myself that the time for needles will be over and I won’t have to deal with them for a while. Everything comes in cycles. This is the needle cycle. It won’t last forever.
I still don’t like having cancer. I still don’t like the appointments, the lack of energy, and the uncertainty but I do have control over how I deal with it.
I’ll deal with it in the most positive, PEACEFUL and LOVING way that I can. Because going with the flow is just so much easier sometimes.
Can you think of a time in your life when things got really tough and you made it harder on yourself by fighting every step of the way? Did you decided going with the flow made things easier? How did you deal with that?
Guess it’s my turn now, so thank you for sharing the journey. Diagnosed with triple negative invasive ductile carcinoma in December. Bone scan scheduled for Jan 7th, surgery scheduled for Jan 22nd, and Chemo for at least 4 months after that. Hoping that there is no lymph node involvement. Hope that you are soon back to your wonderful, gorgeous self soon, if not already!
I’m so sorry to hear this Sunny. It makes me so sad. I’ll be thinking about you on the 7th and 22nd and visualizing a positive outcome and quick healing.
Let me know how you do, OK?
I’m doing lots better these days, just trying to get my energy level back up. 🙂
Flow leads to happiness. Stick with the program, and you will have your health and strength back soon. I am thinking of you and praying for a complete recovery.
Thank you Gail.
Vicki,
I lived with the ‘threat’ for 35 years, due to family history. I literally, made ‘life’ (not to count on living) decisions, based on that fear.
As you learn to ‘go with the flow’, I wish you so much happiness and release from self-persecution… denying yourself the joy of living daily.
Enjoy the current, flash your bright colors, and always-
LOOK FORWARD!
Terri, I hope this means you aren’t living in fear now? I am hoping that you are swimming along side me. 🙂
I went through exactly what you are going through. So many of us have been there. Somehow we find the strength to do what we have to do and you will too. I wish you the best of outcomes and please know we are all fighting for you too.
Thank you, Carol. Your support means the world to me. ♥
Keep swimming! I love it! And I can already picture your fish, with all the bright colors you love. (Maybe made of a sari?)
Going with the flow is what the strong do. It gets things done so we can move forward. We keep on swimming, keeping strong, and finding ways to get done what NEEDS to be done so we can, eventually, have the life we want.
Well said StillLearning4Ever, well said.
“Going with the flow is what the strong do” needs to be embroidered on something here!
Sooooo many times I have fought the current. No need to tell my stories, you have so brilliantly and beautifully shared the secret. Sending comfort, peace and wholeness in exchange for that tender inspiration.
Thank you Laura. I think that as “strong” women we tend to fight the current. Sometimes we need to fight but other times it’s best to go with the flow.
I am fighting a battle for my 91 year old Dad….Vicki,your post changed my entire outlook on this situation! God bless you! I know in my soul that you are headed in the direction of perfect health!!!! LOVE!
I was a Shoppers Drug Mart the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted to purchase a ‘leaf’ to support breast cancer research. She handed me the leaf to fill out a name, and although I usually put one of my kids’ names on these things, I immediately put yours, Vicki O’ Dell. It was like a reflex. Although you may not feel it sometimes, you are very brave and stronger than you know, and you speak for all of us through your blog.
And for that, we are behind you and support you even more.
Lots of hugs and good thoughts being sent your way. 🙂
Oh, Tobi.
I read your comment today in the waiting room before my first Oncology visit. To say that your comment touched me is an understatement.
YOU and my other friends here GIVE me strength. Knowing that so many of you are rooting for me makes me feel so strong. You all give me courage.
Especially comments like this. I’m overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness, kindness and generosity. I’m glad you are on my side. ♥♥♥
This post is extraordinary! You are a precious, precious soul and God has big plans for you. I can’t tell you how much this post touched me and will stick with me, I suspect, the rest of my life. Prayers for you to feel sassy sooner rather than later. First time you feel a burst of energy, I think you need to create that special little fish as a bright, sweet reminder of an excellent plan to follow at times.
Yes, Mandy. I do need to create that fish. Perfect idea!
Thank you for your kindness and love. It means the world to me.
I love finding Nemo and that silly little quote of just keep swimming. And you’re right, when a rip tide is pulling you out or you get caught in the rapids, the best thing to do is go with the flow. You’re much more likely to survive rough waters if you do.
My sister-in-law just celebrated her 5 years cancer free this weekend. That’s probably too far for you to look out to at this point. But I wanted to remind you that this disease can require some radical and nasty treatment — but the new followup prevention drugs, etc., can keep you alive, healthy and well enough to go to Disney World. 🙂
Just keep swimming. Perfect, Cynthia. Perfect.
I think I have a title to go with my first fish art.
5 years. I can do that! 🙂