It’s not over until…
Active, every day, in your face, painful, cancer treatment is over but the fight for my health is not. I’ve been seriously sick pretty much since the end of January. One thing and then another.
And you know, I thought I could just push through. Keep pushing until I was back to “normal”, until I could keep up with my usual routine without being totally exhausted by mid-afternoon, keep pushing until I didn’t feel bad any more. But yeah, that’s not working out so well.
In fact, it’s been backfiring on me.
I have almost ended up in the hospital twice now. I’m a stubborn and independent sort if you haven’t noticed. And a rather slow learner to boot.
Sure, I’ve got deadlines and bills to pay just like everyone else so I keep pushing. I LIKE being active and I LOVE my work. I like talking with you all here in our little interweb home. Your comments and insights add a little spice to my days.
But it’s gotten hard to keep up and get healthy at the same time and that’s why it’s been a bit quiet around here.
I’ve finished up the last of my really big deadlines and I’m determined not to take on any more until I feel healthy again. Yeah, it means I’m going to need to cut back on some things but it will be worth it.
At the same time I’m trying to get my health back on track my final little birdie is getting ready to leave the nest. He graduates from college in May and has been offered a full-time job in Florida. 1,007 miles away. I knew he would be graduating this year, but you know, a mama has to kind of hope the babies won’t fly too far away. We had a little test run last summer when he worked out of state but I knew he was coming back. Not this time. He’s moving. AWAY.
I can’t believe it’s so hard for me. I’ve known it was coming but I think that combined with the cancer and health issues it’s just another straw on that old camels’ back.
I have come to realize that I’m truly in a “starting over” kind of place. Not a rock bottom kind of place but at the foot of a mountain, maybe. The beginning of another journey.
I’m sitting with some questions and trying to listen to my heart to figure out what direction to head off in next.
- What can I do TODAY to improve my health? Yoga, reiki, meditation and a good diet have all been helping but I’m sure there is more I can do.
- What do I want to do for work? Do I want to keep blogging? What direction should that take? Maybe I should just go get a part-time job?
- What will I do with my spare time? I’m going to be alone quite a lot. Do I want to volunteer, take classes, join a group of some sort?
- How will I choose to spend the bit of extra money now that I’m not spending on the kids? Classes? Home decor? Hire help?
- Can I keep up with this big old yard and gardens without help? Maybe not this year but next? Can I hire help? Should I let go of some of my garden beds?
I know that plenty of you reading this have been in this same space. At the intersection of big life changes and health issues. We all deal with it sooner or later. In one form or another.
So the work to be healthy doesn’t end (especially after dealing with breast cancer – or any kind of cancer) and just when you think you’ve figured out this stage of life (whatever stage you happen to be in) life changes and you find yourself in another stage of life. The desire to live your best life and to be the best person you know how to be doesn’t end.
Meanwhile, I’m pulling out maps, meditating, learning and figuring out how to proceed. Trying to figure out what my heart really wants and where it wants to go.
Because, it’s all a process and it won’t be over until…
Vicki, although your body may disagree, your head is in a good place. I have been through chemo three times and never was I able to recognize the need for a life change. You are way ahead of me. I have been hospitalized, including rehab, seven times since last July. Just released from 2nd rehab yesterday. If anyone needs a life change, it is me yet here I sit on my butt. I can see you have the motivation to fight through this difficult time and I have every confidence that you will be successful! Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Hi Cat,
Oh, my! I don’t know how you’ve gotten through chemo three times. I’m sure your poor system is just trying to SURVIVE. You can’t think about big changes in your life when you are dealing with such hard things. Be gentle and loving with yourself. When you start feeling better I imagine you’ll start thinking of changes.
Stay strong lovely lady.
Vicki
Yes indeed you have come to that same cross roads, if you will, of how the Survivor trudges ahead. We realize our bodies really have been forever changed. Life has to get better, right? Hold fast to your circle of prayer warriors and stay active. Be wise and stop when you tire. Set goals you KNOW are within reach and then expand on those as you feel able. Study your heart and it’s desires. You may find yourself taking a whole new path you never thought you could tackle! Let it be exciting and new once again. Hold fast to the old and familiar, let a few unnecessary things go, and reach for the more brilliant blessings ahead. We are all here for you our Pink Ribbon Survivor!
PeabuttonsMom,
Beautiful advice. Thank you.
It’s so comforting to know that there are people out there who have not only survived but thrived after cancer.
XOXO V
Vicki, I so admire you for pushing on in spite of everything. You have been through so much and then to find yourself without your children being there has got to be hard. First off you need to take care of yourself (I’m one to talk lol). Then give yourself some time to think out what you think you can do. If you need a part time job then get one you’ll enjoy (maybe at a Michael’s store teaching or Hobby Lobby teaching etc.)Life really is short but you’ll find when you think about it, that you can live without a few things and maybe you can visit your son during the Winter, ’cause it’s warmer in Florida! lol Just don’t make any rash decisions based upon how you feel right now. I pray all will work out for you and you can always contact me or someone else when you need to talk to someone, even if it’s just to cry. Hugs 🙂
Thank you Barbara,
I am definitely going to visit him as often as I can. And yes, especially during the winter! 🙂
I don’t think I’d work in another craft store again. I think I would look for something different. But hey, who knows!
Take care of yourself. ♥
V
Rest when you need to. And then come out swinging and kick that ‘ol Stanley’s ass. You’re here for a reason, and we’re all here for YOU.
Thank you Tobi. That’s the nicest thing to say and I really appreciate it.
XOXO Vicki
Vicki, we ALL Love YOU so much! It is most certainly difficult to manage all these things, but most important is taking care of yourself for you first! I know (personally) how this is easier said than done. But if you don’t take care of yourself for you, you won’t have enough “you” to share with others. This backfired on me, too, and I went into depression, but I’m finding my way back into the light.
The choices you mentioned…most importantly, do what makes your heart sing!!! Don’t take a part-time job unless it is really something you love to do…it is so hard to punch a clock for someone else after we’ve been on our own flight pattern.
If your flower beds and gardens are your sanctuary like they are mine, consider getting help to do the hard parts, and just focus on doing the parts you love and enjoy. Our bodies aren’t young anymore, but playing in the dirt is some of the best “therapy” I have ever found. Even as I consider downsizing out of my home into a rental (for financial and physical upkeep reasons), I still plan to have the prettiest flower pots to tend to. Gardening is so good, but canning isn’t a favorite thing of mine…if I get the itch, I’ll buy fresh and can (i.e. strawberry freezer jam is on this year’s agenda), and support the local growers. But to fuss over watering the maintaining, I’d rather be creating my art. 🙂
Praying the right things will come together for you. God has a plan, we just don’t always know what it looks like until we take that walk. I’m here for you if you ever need!
With abundant blessings,
Christine
Thank you Christine.
I’m not so very old (only 49) but this cancer thing can make a body feel old for a little while. I know it’s only temporary but it still makes me blue at times. I know you understand that.
I’ve hired a couple of my sons to help with the garden work in the past and I’m hoping they can continue to help this year. Otherwise, if it doesn’t get done then it just doesn’t get done.
Good luck with your move and I hope that you can find the happy balance of dirt and art supplies to make your soul sing!
Bright Blessings,
Vicki ♥
I am with you, girl! I have not had cancer but do have spinal disease and have had 4 spine surgeries. I was asking myself the same questions and finally came up with seeing a therapist. she is helping to motivate me, point out things that may help with day to day living, etc. As well as living on my own. With my adult children having lives and now a child…its hard with them living out of town. I want to be happy to be creative, to be able to earn a little money (living on SSDisabilty is not easy. No $$ to buy craft supplies
Hi Rita,
I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. It’s so helpful to have someone else guide you and help you make decisions. I don’t know about you but sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts I don’t know whether to come or go. I’m sure it’s hard on the kids too. Feeling like they want to help out but unable to.
Hang in there!
xoxo Vicki
Thanks for your reply to my post. You are
In my prayers! Hugs,
Rita
Something you didn’t mention here is that you might hire some PT help for the blog. Someone who can post something cool you’ve done for Krylon when you’ve just been busy getting that project done (or an upcoming one).
I’m sure cancer treatment messes with your immune system. Give yourself time to heal. And this winter hasn’t helped anyone! Soon warm weather will make it all feel better.
Yes, Cynthia, it is something I’ve thought about but it’s just not in my budget right now. People who really know what they are doing aren’t cheap (or easy) to come by.
And yes, the doctors say that the treatment has weakened my immune system substantially. I totally agree. Warm weather will make many of us feel so much better! 🙂
♥ Vicki